


i love being alive at the same time as you.

by jesustakethewheel0



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bisexual Josh Lyman, F/F, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Gay Sam Seaborn, Light Angst, M/M, Pining, Slow Burn, also like the west wing characters as queer gen z's? yes please, best friends to lovers supremacy, but nevermind, but toby and cj do, i hate my narrative voice in this, josh "human mess" lyman, josh and donna don't get together in this one sorry everyone, their all idiots basically, they make each other mixtapes, this is so self indulgent wtf
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-18 01:41:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29360451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jesustakethewheel0/pseuds/jesustakethewheel0
Summary: And then he had the overwhelming realisation that it would never be like this again. It would never be the first night of his sophomore year of college and the sky would never look the same way again. He'd never be the same age as he was now. He'd never look or sound the same way. He took deep breaths and tried to remember it didn't matter too much. He was here now, he was living the way he wanted to and it was brilliant. He was becoming the person he'd always wanted to become and he'd never felt so good.*College AU revolving around our favourite group of idiots.
Relationships: C. J. Cregg/Toby Ziegler, Josh Lyman/Sam Seaborn
Comments: 22
Kudos: 20





	1. i'm finally becoming the person i've always wanted to become

_ Friday, August 20th _

Josh stuck his hand out the car window and felt the cool wind blow across his face. Music played quietly through the speakers of the car. It was warm today: the entire East Coast had been hit with record temperatures over the past few weeks and it had only just begun to cool down. He turned to the side and watched Sam, who was curled up on the passenger seat, his head in a book, his hair falling in front of his eyes, and smiled. 

"What?" Sam asked, looking up. Josh turned his eyes back to the road.

"Nothing." They returned to their comfortable silence, only broken by the sound of the radio and the turning of pages in Sam's book. 

Josh and Sam had spent the last few days of the summer together in Josh's family home in Westport and were now making the 5-hour return journey to Washington D.C to make it back for the first day of college after the summer break. The tiny car was crammed with suitcases and cardboard boxes: it seemed like almost everything the two 19-year olds owned was packed into the trunk and backseat. 

The summer break had been great: Sam and Josh, who had become inseparable over their freshman year, had spent most of it together, whether in California with Sam's family, Connecticut with Josh's or occasionally with Toby and CJ in random spots across the country. But most of it had been spent just the two of them, sitting like they were now in Josh's car. Josh was devastated that it was already over. In the moment, it had felt like it would last forever. But now it was coming to an end and he hated the idea of going back to school, where he and Sam couldn't just be Josh and Sam. 

They crossed from Delaware into Maryland, marking the beginning of the end of their journey. It was just after midday and Josh could feel the heat bouncing off the highway below him. The temptation to drive slower, to drag the summer out if only by a few minutes, was strong but he restrained himself. In some ways, he was looking forward to going back to school. He and Sam shared a dorm and took their classes together (Sam was an English major whilst Josh was studying political science but they were both pre-law so shared a lot of classes). So they'd see a lot of each other. But the thought of it not just being the two of them made Josh sad in ways he couldn't properly understand. And he loved his other friends; over the summer he'd missed CJ's Jackal impression and Toby's dark sense of humour and Donna's habit of changing her major every few months. But none of them were Sam. 

After driving for what only felt like a few minutes, they had made it to DC. Sam started excitedly pointing out all the spots from last year, all the places they'd smoked and drank and hung out at. DC was busy for a Friday afternoon: seemingly everyone had streamed onto the streets to enjoy the sun. Occasionally they'd pass someone they knew and Josh would toot the car horn and Sam would lean out the window and wave. There was something exciting in the air, something that made Josh's heart race in a really good way. Maybe this year wouldn't be so bad. 

*

It was later that evening and Josh was sitting on CJ and Donna’s bedroom floor, beer bottle in hand.

"Ya know, soon, Toby will be able to buy these for us without a fake ID," he said to the group, gesturing towards his beer. It was just after 7 pm and the group of five were hanging out in Donna and CJ's dorm room. They'd spent the afternoon chatting and catching up, which mostly included mocking Toby's newly grown beard and teasing Donna for her new choice in major (which was Drama). And now it was evening and, although the light was still floating in through the open window, all five of them were exhausted. 

"It's still illegal," Toby replied from where he'd perched on Donna's desk. It was a small room but they'd all managed to cram inside; CJ and Donna lying on their beds and Josh and Sam on the floor. 

There was a pause for a second before Donna asked, "Is it sad if I go to bed at 8 pm on the first night of sophomore year?" Josh and Sam exchanged looks and snorted.

"Yes." 

"But I'm tired!" 

"We gotta do  _ something  _ tonight," CJ said and Toby nodded. Josh ran his hands through his hair. If he was honest, he would quite happily go and pass out in his dorm right now too. 

"We could go out. Like to one of the parties," Toby suggested and everyone groaned. They were popular within the school paper and all, but really, the five of them were pretty introverted and stayed within their group of friends. Josh had attended multiple parties over his freshman year and didn't wish to repeat any of his experiences. They were overwhelming and always had too many people in a too-small space. It was easier just to avoid them in general. 

Just then, Josh had a brilliant idea. 

"Guys, I know what we should do!"

*

"Lyman, if we get arrested because of you-" Toby began.

"Live a little, Toby!" Josh shouted in reply. It was just after 9 pm, the sun was beginning to set and Josh, CJ, Donna, Sam and Toby were breaking onto the dorm room's roof. Josh had come up with the brilliant idea: in his freshman year, a senior had told him about a backdoor that led up to the roof and from up there you could get a great view of the sunset. If only he could actually unlock the door: as much as Josh rattled the handle, it wouldn't budge. 

"Move out the way," Donna said, pushing him to the side and attempting the door herself. It opened first try. 

"I...loosened it up for ya," Josh rebuked, as they made their way up a flight of stairs and onto the roof. Josh could've gasped when they reached the top. The sky looked like a painting: it was an incredible tangerine orange, the type you only get in late August when the heat is beginning to fade. It was warm, but a cool breeze ran over his face, rustling his hair. There were people below them on the street but the sound was faded and distant up here. Everything felt surreal. He turned to Sam, who was knelt on the floor beside Toby, as the two opened up a case of beers. Donna and CJ had walked ahead and were sat with their legs hanging off the roof. Everything was still except for the gentle breaths of wind. Josh didn't dare move, in case he broke it. It was so incredibly beautiful, so perfect. He didn't think the sky could look this beautiful. The sky hadn't looked this beautiful since he was little, since Joanie. But, he realised, looking over at his friends, he'd found something to fill the deep hole of grief inside of him. As cliche as it sounded, he'd found the people who made him feel okay.

He grabbed a beer from Toby and Sam, and went and sat next to the girls. Josh quietly watched the people below them, as Donna and CJ animatedly discussed something next to him. And then he had the overwhelming realisation that it would never be like this again. It would never be the first night of his sophomore year of college and the sky would never look the same way again. He'd never be the same age as he was now. He'd never look or sound the same way. He took deep breaths and tried to remember it didn't matter too much. He was here now, he was living the way he wanted to and it was brilliant. He was becoming the person he'd always wanted to become and he'd never felt so good. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! well done for making it through the first chapter of this, i certainly couldn't!
> 
> comments and kudos are always appreciated!
> 
> *
> 
> i don't really know where this is going. i have some ideas for josh-centred angst but apart from that, i'm not sure. i also don't know who donna should end up with??? in the show, i love josh & donna as a couple but personally, i find josh & sam outrank them just a touch. plus i feel the west wing and the west wing fandom need more queer representation so here we are.
> 
> if you have any ideas, i would be very grateful for comments :)
> 
> and if you're still reading, i hope you have a wonderful day!!!


	2. i guess i liked you slightly more than i thought

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She tried to regulate her thoughts: in a year, none of this would matter. In a year, she'd laugh at her younger self for ever getting so worked up over a boy. But it didn't matter what she would feel like in a year, right now it felt like the world was ending.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! thanks for all the comments on kudos from the last chapter, i was feeling pretty discouraged and they really helped. 
> 
> this chapter will be focusing on toby and cj! i know i said slow burn but i was kinda bored so decided to get right in there with a fight. so yeah lol

_Tuesday 7th September_

Classes had started for the year and CJ found herself picking up a day-to-day routine. 

All her free-time was used up at the school paper - she managed the social media and occasionally wrote an article on something that interested her, although she usually left the writing up to Toby and Sam. CJ loved working for the paper. She loved the late nights and the early mornings, the next-day deadlines and the brainstorming sessions. She loved the whole comradery of it, really. After spending a childhood mostly by herself (her brothers were older and always did stuff without her, her mother was dead and nobody at school seemed to think the same way she did), it was nice to finally be part of a team.

The day had started out as a pretty normal Tuesday. She'd woken up at 8, gone down to the breakfast hall with Donna and then onto class. Her 9am class was Spanish; the only person she knew in the class was Carol, a fellow Communications major, so they sat together at the back, sharing notes and chatting. 

After Spanish, she headed to the newspaper building - their first edition of the year was coming out Monday, so everyone had been working hard. CJ often thought that maybe her friends took their college newspaper slightly too seriously but she enjoyed watching them get worked up about it. Besides, it was fun to write, even if nobody ended up reading it. 

"Buenos días!" CJ said, walking through the door, smiling. Toby, who was sitting at his desk, eyes plastered to his laptop screen, didn't even look up.

"Morning," Sam mumbled from where he was sitting next to Toby. He had dark bags under his eyes and was sipping a cup of coffee.

"What happened?" CJ laughed, looking from Sam to Toby.

"Toby's having a breakdown over the articles we wrote for the newspaper," Josh answered. He'd just walked in the door behind her, a box of donuts in hand. "I brought donuts. For moral support." She laughed and reached out for one, before sitting down at her desk. She logged into her laptop and started on some work. Next to her, Josh and Donna argued about something noisily and CJ tried to block them out. She found her eyes wandering over to where Toby and Sam were huddled in the corner of the room, quietly talking. She couldn't quite make out what they were saying. Toby was a junior, a year above Sam, but CJ had always admired the way he unfailingly treated Sam like an equal. She'd seen them develop a sibling-like relationship over the past year and had loved seeing Toby taking on the mentor role. It was sweet.

If CJ was honest, she didn't quite know what her relationship with Toby Ziegler was. There'd always been something there, something neither of them had ever really addressed. Until last July. School was ending and she'd been feeling so many things because of it. She was dreading going home and leaving the world she and her friends had created behind. It had been the night before she went back to Ohio. She hadn't planned on kissing Toby, she really hadn't. It had just happened. When they’d texted and called over the summer, neither of them had mentioned it. Maybe he didn't remember it. But she did. And she wanted it to happen again and she wasn't quite sure how to tell him all this.

"Ceej, if we wanna get to McGarry's class on time, we should leave now." CJ looked up and Toby was standing up, pulling his rucksack and hoodie on. She nodded, standing up too. Professor Leo McGarry's American Politics class was one of the most popular on campus; it was renowned for its fiery debates and tendency to end with somebody getting sent out (more than once this person had been Josh or Toby). Everyone on the paper took the class and it was the place to be if you ever wanted to go into politics. Leo had worked for the Democratic Party for years before going into teaching and, if you managed to impress him, he gave fantastic recommendations. He was strict but also kind and great at engaging a large group of sleep deprived young adults. It was CJ's favourite class.

The group started making their way across campus for the lecture hall. They arrived and took their seats. The class began and, right on schedule, an argument sparked between two kids CJ didn't know well at the front of the class. She watched quietly. She knew they were talking about a topic she cared about. She knew she had a lot to say on the subject. But she didn't say anything. And CJ didn't know why she wasn't saying anything, except for the fact she was thinking about Toby and she couldn't stop.

*

"Toby?"

It was later that day and CJ was standing outside Toby's dorm room.

"Yes?" He opened the door and lent against the frame. He was dressed in a plain white t-shirt and grey sweatpants, his brown hair pushed back from his face. The room was pitch black, apart from the light coming from his laptop. His desk had an open textbook on it, as well as several open notebooks, filled to the brim with lines of his almost illegible handwriting.

"I'm- were you sitting in the dark?" She asked, letting out a small laugh.

"Yes. I was studying," he said, gesturing to the desk as if that made it normal. She laughed again. The reason CJ had come to his room was to talk to him about what had happened last July. She was sure that if she could hear out loud that he wasn't interested, she could move on.

"Look I wanted to talk to you about - can I come inside?" Toby nodded and CJ followed him in. He sat down at the chair at his desk and she sat on the bed. She fiddled with her hands and avoided making eye contact with him.

"'You okay, CJ? You seem kinda on edge."

"I'm fine. I'm good, actually."

"I'm glad." She stared at the floor. "Look, I don't mean to be rude, but I have a bunch of work to do, Ceej, and if this isn't going anywhere?"

"It is. I wanted to talk to you."

"About?"

"What happened in July. Between us." See? That wasn't so hard.

"Right." Oh. She'd expected more of a reaction.

"You don't remember?"

"Oh, no, I do," Toby said. Now he was the one looking at the ground and his cheeks had flushed a light shade of pink.

"I just thought I'd bring it up because, well, it's been on my mind," she began. "I liked it. I liked kissing you and I'd like to do it again sometime. And I know you probably don't feel the same way but I just wanted to know for sure." 

Toby paused for a minute before replying. "CJ, that's sweet. Really sweet." Uh oh. She mentally prepared herself for the rejection. "And I - well, I guess I feel the same way towards you. That night was great." _Oh._

"Really?!"

"Yes. But..." He paused again. "I guess I don't really have a good reason to reject you. Except for the fact that you're CJ Cregg and I really like you but you deserve someone better. I'd just bring you down."

"No, don't say that." It came out as a whisper. "I want to be with you, Toby."

"We can't." Toby stood up, pushed the chair in, paced around a few times and sat down again. "Sorry." CJ stood up. She couldn't do this, not today. Her hands were shaking, so she stuffed them into the pockets of her sweater.

"I don't get it," she said. "I don't understand why we can't if we both like each other and want to do it."

"C'mon, Ceej, don't make this harder than it needs to be. Please. Act your age."

"Act - act my age?! You're a year older than me, Toby! For fuck's sake, 'act my age'?!" Her hands were shaking even more now and her body was tense, her jaw tightened. 

"You know what I meant!" Toby's voice was raised too now.

"No, actually, I didn't!"

"Just leave! I- I can't do this right now!"

"Fine!" Looking back, slamming the door was a bit childish, but CJ couldn’t help it. She hadn't cried in there, not in front of him, not when he was acting like this. She wanted to cry the minute she stepped outside but it was like her body wouldn't let her. She stood in the hallway, the world spinning and her chest aching. The window was open and she could feel the late summer heat on her face. She'd felt so good this morning. How could she feel so bad now? She tried to regulate her thoughts: in a year, none of this would matter. In a year, she'd laugh at her younger self for ever getting so worked up over a boy. But it didn't matter what she would feel like in a year, right now it felt like the world was ending.

She dragged herself away from the hallway outside Toby's dorm to her own one. Donna wasn't there, luckily. She had gone out with some friends from her Drama class. CJ shut the door behind her and slid down onto the floor, wrapping her hands around her body in an attempt to comfort herself. She hadn't realised how much she'd wanted Toby to say yes. And now he hadn't and she didn't know what to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading! as always, comments and kudos are appreciated. 
> 
> i'm not sure how i feel about this chapter??? or any of this fic tbh. so if i just stop writing it you all know why lol. 
> 
> anyway, i hope you have a great day! x


	3. i've seen the way you look at him

_ Monday 13th September _

Sam wasn’t exactly sure what had happened between Toby and CJ, except that it had been almost a week and they still weren’t talking.

He appreciated that they needed time after whatever had happened, but the whole situation was pretty inhibiting for the rest of them. Sam had barely seen Josh or Donna over the past week; he was closest to Toby, so had been spending most of his time with him, whilst Josh and Donna were with CJ. The highlight of Sam’s days had become the few hours he spent alone with Josh at night. Most of the time they just watched a movie or studied together, but it was far more entertaining than anytime he spent with Toby, who had been in a particularly foul mood since the incident with CJ.

“What time does Bartlet’s class start?” Josh asked through the door. It was Monday morning and Sam was getting ready for the day in the bathroom. Their first class of the day was Intro to Economics, with Professor Jed Bartlet. Neither Josh nor Sam had the brain for economics but it was interesting and Bartlet was a great teacher; plus being able to say you had been taught by a nobel prize winner was a pretty good brag.

“11. I’m going to walk with Toby,” Sam replied, opening the door. Josh was standing in front of the mirror, wearing a red sweatshirt that hung limply off his chest, a sharp collar bone poking out, and his hair was even messier than usual. Sam internally sighed. He was fully aware of the fact he’d developed a large crush on his best friend. He just didn't know what to do about it. 

“Ah-kay,” Josh said. “We should probably just force Ceej and Toby to hang out together, they're too stubborn to do it themselves.” Sam made a noise in agreement, picked up his rucksack and threw it over his back.

“I’ll see you in class?” He asked.

“Yeah. Bye.” As he left, Sam was sure he could feel Josh’s eyes burning into his back, watching him go. No. He was probably just imagining it.

*

“Look, Tobes-”

“Please never call me that again.”

“Sorry. Toby.” Sam and Toby were sitting in the auditorium, waiting for Bartlet’s class to start. They were across the room from CJ, Josh and Donna and Sam could see Toby’s eyes flick over to where their three friends were sitting. “You should just apologize to CJ for whatever you did to annoy her this much and get it over and done with. Then we can go back to normal and forget about this whole thing.”

“Why do you assume it’s me who fucked up?” Toby said. Sam stared at him expectantly. “Okay, it was definitely me who fucked up this time but not  _ always _ .”

“Just tell me what happened,” Sam moaned.

“No.”

“Please.”

“No.” They descended into silence, Sam staring awkwardly at the floor. Luckily, Professor Bartlet walked in and the awkwardness between the two friends was diffused. The class started and was going well - Sam actually understood what was being discussed and easily immersed himself in the classes conversation. 40 minutes in, he got a notification on his phone from Toby.

**Toby: If I tell you, you’ve got to promise not to tell anyone.**

Sam had known Toby for over a year now and they’d only texted a handful of times. Toby was that friend who you saw in person but never really communicated with online, so it was out of character for him to text Sam.

**Sam: Ok**

**Toby: Even Josh.**

**Sam: Ok**

**Toby: CJ asked me out. And I said no.**

Sam turned off his phone and turned to Toby. Okay, he wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting, but this wasn’t it.

“Are you serious?” He couldn’t help but let out a small snort of laughter. Toby frowned and nodded.

“It’s not funny, Sam. I told her to act her age and then she shouted at me and it was horrible. I don’t even know why I did it.” Sam snorted again and Toby shushed him.

“I can’t believe you said no! How long have you liked CJ for now?”

“I don’t like CJ.”

“Yes you do. How long have you liked CJ?” Toby sighed and looked away.

“I don’t know. It just happened.” There was a pause. “How long have you liked Josh?”

“I don’t-”

“Yes, you do. I’ve seen the way you look at him.” Now it was Toby’s turn to laugh.

“Don’t change the subject, Ziegler, we’re talking about you-”

“Mr Seaborn, do you have something to share with the class?” Sam looked up. Professor Bartlet and the rest of the class were staring at him expectantly. Uh oh.

“Er - no.” Sam could see Josh grinning at him from the other side of the classroom and tried not to laugh.

“No, you were obviously talking to Mr Ziegler about something important enough to disturb my class. Please, enlighten us.”

“It really wasn’t important, sir,” Sam said, staring at the ground. He was worried if he looked Bartlet in the face he’d start laughing. “You should continue with the lesson.” Bartet smiled at him, before turning away and restarting the class. Sam sat still, not daring to move in case Bartlet picked on him again. After a few minutes, he turned to Toby.

“Maybe we should talk about this later.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! how are you all?   
> i wrote this all last week and then proceeded to forget about it. rereading it, i kinda hate it but it's a filler chapter so i'm just going to publish it and move on.
> 
> thank you for all the amazing comments on last chapter, they made me feel so happy!!! i'm not great at this writing stuff and life's a bit up and down atm but i've been enjoying writing this, so thank you all :)


	4. you made me hate myself a lot

_ Saturday 18th September _

Toby flopped down onto his desk chair, wrapping his hoodie further around him, and stared at the wall blankly. It was late on Saturday night and he’d just got back from Sam’s.

After their economics class on Monday, he’d explained everything about the whole CJ situation to Sam. Sam had laughed, then shouted at Toby for being a jackass and finally told him he had to talk to CJ immediately, before it was too late.

5 days later and he still hadn’t.

So he did what he always did when he wanted the pain to stop, when he wanted everything to just slow down. He picked up a pen and started writing.

Toby bled onto the paper.

_ I didn’t mean to hurt CJ. _

_ I didn’t want to say no. _

_ I don’t know how to tell her I'm sorry. _

He wrote for hours, until his hands were raw from the pen rubbing up against his fingers. He scribbled until everything felt a little less blurry, slightly less overwhelming.

It was after 4am when he was finally done, hands shaking and his brain foggy from lack of sleep. He stumbled away from his desk and collapsed into bed.

*

_ Sunday 19th September _

Toby woke up the next day, body throbbing and hands still shaking, but feeling slightly better.

It was mid-afternoon when he finally built up the courage to go talk to CJ.

He walked over to her and Donna’s dorm. It was drizzling slightly and he relished the cool drops of rain falling onto his hot face.

He arrived, stood awkwardly outside for a few minutes, before reaching up and knocking on the door.

The door swung open and Toby sighed when he found Donna standing there, her long blonde hair thrown up into a messy bun. She was scowling at Toby. CJ had definitely told her what had happened.

"What do you want, Toby?" Donna groaned.

"I'm looking for CJ."

"She's not here." He sighed again.

"Do you know where she might be?"

"No." She moved to shut the door but he put his hand in the way.

"Donna _." _

"Toby."

"Please. Look - I know I upset her. I- I didn't want to say no, I don't know why I did-"

"Toby, CJ's not upset because you rejected her. She's upset because of the way you treated her afterwards. From what she told me, you were being condescending and a complete dickhead."

"I know, I realise I was in the wrong and I want to apologize."

Donna paused and looked Toby up and down.

“I hate you.”

“I know. I would hate me too.”

“But like, I  _ really  _ hate you.”

“I respect that.” Donna smiled. 

"Don't tell her it was me who told you this, 'kay?" Toby nodded eagerly. "She's at the library, the one she usually goes to."

"Thanks, I appreciate it.” He started down the corridor.

“This doesn’t mean I’ve forgiven you!” Donna shouted and Toby turned around and grinned. He felt good. Maybe this would go okay.

*

The library was full for a Sunday afternoon and Toby had a hard time finding CJ in the crowds of people studying and hanging out with their friends.

He eventually found her, sat alone in one of the private study rooms, hunched over a textbook. He opened the door and she looked up.

“Hey,” he said awkwardly. He didn’t want to impose on her, but he really needed to talk. 

“Hi.” CJ’s voice was stony and she looked anywhere but in his eyes.

“Can we talk?” She shrugged and Toby took it as yes. He sat down opposite her and smiled. “I haven’t seen you at the paper much.”

“Yeah. I’ve been avoiding you.”

“Oh.”

“How did you know I would be here?”

“This is the library you usually go to.” She sighed and they descended into silence.

“You made me hate myself a lot.”

“What?” Toby replied.

“You made me hate myself a lot. You - you rejected me and I’m fine with that, I respect your choice not to date me. But saying that you wanted to be with me and then proceeding to undermine me and make me feel like shit wasn’t fair. The way you treated me wasn’t fair.”

He swallowed carefully. He felt like a huge jackass. And he was one, he knew that.

“Ceej, I’m sorry. And I understand if you don’t accept it.” CJ was looking at the floor and he sat quietly, not knowing what else to say. 

“Why did you say no?”

“I told you before-”

“You’re seriously saying no because you think I can do better?”

  
  


“It’s not that. I just - I wouldn’t want you to be burdened by me. I want you to be happy and, well, I’m not sure you can be with me.”

“I can.” CJ stood up when she said this and came and sat next to him. Even in sweatpants and a hand-me-down  Cavaliers  jersey, she looked beautiful.

Toby paused before he said anything else. He would’ve kissed her right then. But he didn’t.

“I’m not ready.”

“I’m not sure I am either,” she replied, grimacing.

“So let’s stay friends?”

“Yep.” She smiled at him and he beamed back. This wasn’t the ending either of them had wanted but it was enough for now.

He’d be okay. He had CJ and things would go back to normal. They’d write on the newspaper together and study and hang out. They’d find a way to juggle their obvious feelings for each other and their decision to just stay friends.

Yeah, they’d be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! thank you for reading! comments and kudos are always appreciated :)
> 
> i feel like this chapter is quite an unsatisfying resoloution to the toby/cj situation, but do not worry for it will not be the end of their relationship! updates for this fic might be a bit less regular because i am going back to in-person school on the 15th and can no longer write this during online lessons but i will still try my best to keep it going!


	5. happy birthday, dumbass

_Wednesday 6th October_

Classes had started getting harder, professors were assigning more work and Josh found himself spending more and more time in the library. He was studying harder than he ever had in his freshman year.

By the time October rolled around, most of the Sophomores were feeling exhausted and burnt out. Even Sam, who had never struggled academically in his life, was feeling drained from the workload.

"I don't remember sophomore year being this hard for you, Toby," Josh whined. It was a Wednesday night and the group were sat around their usual table in the local diner. It was conveniently located outside Josh and Sam's dorm block and had become a meeting place for the five of them. Other friends from the paper would sometimes join them too.

"Yeah, well, I'm smarter than you guys," Toby said gruffly, not looking up from the pamphlet he was reading. Toby was beginning to look into Law Schools to attend after he graduated from college and had become quite absorbed in his research. He was planning to take his LCAT in February and then decide where he wanted to apply after that. Toby would never admit it but he was obviously struggling with balancing the workload and the impending stress of such an important exam.

"That's a lie," CJ said. "I'm way smarter than you."

"Oh, really?!"

"Yeah! I-"

"Oh, Josh, that reminds me!" Donna interrupted, turning to Josh. "What are you doing for your birthday?"

"How on earth did that remind you of my birthday?" Josh laughed, taking a sip of his sprite.

"It just did. Answer the question." Josh's birthday was October 11th, which had annoyingly landed on a Monday this year.

"What can I do? It's a Monday and I have a midterm."

"We can do something on the weekend," Donna replied.

"Eh, I'm fine. I'd rather just miss this one and do something next year."

"It's your 20th birthday, you can't 'miss it'," Sam said, gesturing indignantly.

"Watch me."

"We gotta do something," Sam replied. "On the weekend, we'll do something."

"I have to study for my midterm on the weekend," Josh protested and Sam sighed.

"Fine. Have it your way, your birthday will be crap and it won't be my-" Sam began. He was interrupted by the diner door opening and a rush of cold air coming in. Ginger, Bonnie and Margaret, freshmans they'd met through the newspaper, had walked in.

"Hey guys!" CJ waved and the three girls made their way over. "You can save us from this boring conversation about Josh's birthday."

"Oh, what are you doing to celebrate?" Ginger asked, sliding into the booth next to Josh and smiling at him.

"Nothing."

"How old are you going to be?" Margaret asked.

"20."

"20? You've got to do something, that's a big deal," she replied. Josh groaned and across the table Sam fist pumped in the air.

"That's exactly what I said, Margaret, thank you!" Sam exclaimed.

The conversation moved on and Sam dropped the whole birthday thing. Don't get him wrong, Josh was glad to have people who cared about him enough to want him to have a great birthday. He would just rather take a miss on it this year. His 21st could be partying and staying up all night. His 20th could just mean staying in and acing his midterm and he was fine with that.

*

_Friday 8th October_

The rest of the school week passed by quickly and soon enough, it was Friday night.

Josh finished his American Congress class just after 5, and started the trek home accompanied by Ed and Larry. The week had really taken its toll on Josh and his entire body ached dully from exhaustion. He eventually got back to his dorm room, face tingling from the frosty October wind and eyes drooping sleepily. He opened the door, chucked his rucksack on the floor and collapsed dramatically onto his bed.

Sam looked up from where he was hunched over at his desk, scrolling on his phone.

"'Sup."

"Hey."

"How was your day?" Sam asked, moving to sit on the end of Josh's bed.

"Meh." There was something very domestic about the way the two of them existed together, the way their daily routines had slowly merged to create a day-to-day pulse. Josh loved the rhythm of it all. And he loved that, out of anyone in the world, he got to share it with Sam.

"So, what's the plan for tonight?"

"What do you mean?" Josh asked, sitting up and taking his jacket off.

"Tonight is your last Friday night of being a teenager, well, ever. We've got to do something," Sam said.

"I'm tired, Sam, I just want to eat something and then pass out."

"You can eat and sleep for the rest of your twenties! Right now we have to live!" Sam stood up, gesturing frantically, and Josh tried not to laugh at his friend.

"Tonight's not the night for living. We'll try it out another time."

"There might not be another time! We have to live in the moment!"

"Have you been watching Dead Poets Society again? I thought we'd agreed you wouldn't after what happened last time," Josh laughed.

"First of all, it's a great movie and you know it," Sam rebunked, but he was giggling now too. "Secondly, c'mon! Let's go out on a drive or something!"

"It's, like, 5:30."

"What are you, an 80 year old? Carpe Diem! Let's seize the day!"

"Okay, you've definitely been watching Dead Poets Society."

"Please, Josh, I'm serious," Sam begged, looking dejected.

"I don't know why _you're_ acting upset, it's my birthday."

"Josh."  
  


"Fine. Let's do something."

The two boys drove around for a while, eventually finding themselves sitting in a parking lot, eating greasy burgers and fries in the front seat of Josh's car. They chatted excitedly about the next 10 years of their lives and what they'd do with them. Josh was glad to hear that Sam's plans included him in them. Maybe they'd share an apartment in a city like New York or Boston, or even DC if they decided to go into politics. They'd stay in contact, they decided, even if they ended up on opposite sides of the world.

It was nice to think they'd be friends for the rest of their lives, that nothing would ever change between them. Josh just hoped it was true.

*

_Monday 11th October_

Saturday and Sunday of Josh's birthday weekend were spent mostly in the library, surrounded by textbooks and reading through notes. It was only a midterm, he knew that. But as usual, Josh had placed unattainably high expectations on himself and he really wanted to ace this exam. 

He went to bed early on Sunday night, feeling completely shattered after a long day of studying.

He woke up on the morning of his 20th birthday, with butterflies in his stomach and his usual anxious ticks accentuated by the stress of the upcoming exam. And, of course, the fact it was his birthday. A pretty important one at that.

To Josh's surprise, despite the early hour, Sam had already gotten up and left the dorm. Josh groggily checked his phone, beaming when he saw an array of birthday messages from his friends and family. Toby, Donna and CJ had all sent texts with anecdotes and inside jokes from the past year, whilst his Mom and Dad had sent a long message congratulating him on the young man he was becoming (that one had made Josh cringe slightly). Sam had sent a shorter message, asking him to wait around for him to get back before he left for his midterm.

He showered and got dressed in jeans and a Yale sweatshirt he'd stolen from his Dad, before opening the blinds and checking the time. 8:12AM. Sam had to hurry up and get back: Josh's exam started at 9am and he needed to eat something first.

He reread his notes for a few minutes, before looking up to see the door opening. Sam walked in, grinning when he saw Josh.

"Happy birthday!" Sam said excitedly, running over to hug his roommate. 

"Thanks," Josh laughed. They chatted breathlessly for a few minutes, both smiling broadly at each other as they talked over their plans for the day. 

"You need to eat breakfast and then you have to take your exam," Sam said hurriedly.

"Wait, no, we need to open presents first," Josh whined. 

"Nah, we're doing presents tonight."

"Tonight? What's happening tonight?"

"You'll just have to wait and see," Sam smirked.

The two boys ate breakfast (chocolate cake) together, cross-legged on the floor, before Josh quickly finished getting ready and left the dorm. He raced across campus to his midterm, which he sat (and finished early) and then made his way to his 11am class. In Josh's mind, the exam had gone excellently and he was in a fantastic mood for the rest of the day. 

*

The evening was spent with all of his friends from the paper. Professor McGarry, who ran the school's newspaper, had let them borrow the paper's office for the night, on the condition that there would be no damage to the building and they wouldn't be too loud.

Most people were using Josh's birthday as an excuse to drown their mid-semester burnout in alcohol and take a break from school, even if it was a Monday in the middle of the semester. Everyone was really making an effort to relax and have fun, so the party ended up being pretty great and Josh felt very lucky. 

Around 11pm, Sam pulled him out the newspaper room and into the cool October night air. 

"Shit, it's freezing out here," Josh yelped as they stepped outside. "What did you wanna say?"

"Er-" Sam looked nervous. "It's almost midnight and I, um, wanted to give you your gift."

"Okay," Josh said, rubbing his hands together in excitement. Sam pulled a small box out of his pocket.

"It's not too much but, er, I liked it." He handed the box to Josh, who carefully unwrapped it.

Oh. 

_Oh._

Josh was holding a small plastic mixtape.

"It's a mixtape," Josh whispered and Sam nodded.

"Turn it over." Josh turned it over and quietly stared down. Sam's familiar handwriting was scrawled over the top of the mixtape.

_"songs that remind me of you"_

"I know it's not a lot but - I, well, I know how much you love music and now when I listen to music, I think of you, so I just wanted to-"

Josh pulled Sam into a hug, wrapping his arms tightly around his friend. There was something about the idea that his friend thought of him at all, the idea that something like Josh could even be part of a mind like Sam's, that made him want to yell in happiness. 

"Thank you," he whispered into Sam's shoulder.

"Josh, you don't even know what songs are on it, if you look-"

"I don't need to," he replied. "Thank you." The words felt inadequate compared to the gift but Josh didn't know what else to say.

They stayed like that for a while, arms haphazardly wrapped around each other, before separating.

"I can't believe you made me a mixtape," Josh said quietly. "Only _you_ would ever make a mixtape." Sam laughed.

"Well, the radio in your car is broken so I thought you might like it. There's spotify, I guess, but there's something so, like, poetic about mixtapes? Maybe it's just me, but the idea that somebody makes you it for you and-"

"You're a dork, Sam," Josh murmured. Sam laughed. They stood in silence, Sam gazing absent-mindidly at the ground, his cheeks red from blushing, and Josh's eyes not wavering from the mixtape he was clutching in his hands.   
  


Sam turned to go inside. 

"Happy birthday, Josh."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! comments and kudos are appreciated :)
> 
> this took wayyy too long to get out my system but here it is! i'm not that happy with it, but i need to move on so here you go! sam seaborn being overly sentimental is 100% based off of me, as well as his passion for the dead poets society. 
> 
> also, although i have no experince with it, making mixtapes for someone feels like the most romantic thing ever. maybe that's just me.
> 
> oh and josh's birthday was just a random date chosen by me, although i think most ppl seem to write that he was born in october


End file.
